alone time
The whole family has been sick with ear infections, sinus infections and strep throat this week. Its been tough on all of us. Right now the kids are starting to get better and my husband and I are still fighting it. This feels like the worst stage in any sick cycle.
As I was attempting to put our 5 year old to bed tonight, my patience stretching thinner and thinner, it finally snapped. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or the needy family or the stress Im feeling right now, but I had a sudden feeling rush through me and I felt a desperate urge to be alone.
Of course she could sense this and was crying and clingy, terribly upset that she was not allowed to sleep in our bed. My husband is laying there mostly asleep, and not in position to intervene. After much back and forth, I finally grabbed my journal, ran down the hall and shut the door firmly to the guest room. I heard her say “mamaaa i need yoou! I want youu, not daddy.” I kept the door shut, silently scribbling my feelings down. Finally I took a breath and opened substack, with fresh eyes and a desire to find validation for my outburst.
The mom guilt that I’m feeling right now is through the roof.
“What good mother needs alone time?” my mind asks… “you are the mother and you are supposed to be able to handle this. Get yourself together.”
Yet here I am. Taking my alone time. I feel calmer. Breathing steady. My heart is no longer racing, my face is no longer flushed.
No doubt our child is laying in our bed, but there are hundreds of nights ahead of us to work on changing that. She will learn to love the safety and comfort of her own space, but now, she needs the safety and comfort of space with us. And thats okay. I'm okay. I'm going to go out of this room with this encouragement for myself. “I am a good mother and I can honor my need for alone time. Personal space is healthy and necessary for growth.”
Thank you for coming with me on my self-regulating situation tonight. I can go to bed with healing in my heart now.
-J
Nighttime is such a difficult time for me. Especially if the kids have been unwell.
By that time you are touched out, talked out and feel like you need to get away just ao you can breathe. And when the kids dont settle like you need them to, you feel desperate.
Ive been in this situation more times than I can count. It usually ends with me plopping the unsettled child on my husband's lap and leaving before I make things worse.
We make it through somehow tho 🤍
The "what sort of mother does this" narrative is so insidious, isn't it. I think it constantly even when I know what I'm doing is the right thing. For what it's worth, removing yourself so you can calm down is always the right thing – even the health visitors agree!